Bokehs remind me that Christmas is fast approaching.
Tick tock says the clock. It’s past midnight and all I can hear is the deafening silence. Probably, I must the only one awake at this hour of the day. What bugs me in at this moment? I must be sleeping right now, I must be dreaming about my prince charming right now or perhaps my knight and shining armor. Thoughts keep on rotating around my brain, thoughts I don’t want to give too much attention. It must be really powerful because these thoughts keep me awake and haunt me like a ghost from the past.
Sorry for realizing that my first paragraph is a complete nonsense. But good for you that you had realize! It must be so rude of me not introducing who I am. By the way, my name’s Odyssey and I’m 16. I lived in a City not so big, I don’t even know why it’s called a city. I just want you to know that my thoughts are more tangled that my earphones. I’ve been very busy thinking. And that makes me a zombie every day. That deepens my eyes and creates ugly features they called eye bags. That makes me late for school but early for the second period almost every day of my life. That makes me skip my breakfast because if I did take my meal, I would be probably so early for our school’s recess. Well, I have been to school since I learned how to keep a memory. Years and years of studying, years and years of doing home works which are sometimes ignored by the one who gave it, years and years of creating projects which I don’t even have a slightest idea how related it is to the subject, years and years of pushing myself in the canteen to buy my stomach a recess, years and years of group reports which ends up as a do-it-all group work, years and years of experiencing the scarcity of summer and other holiday vacations, years and years of copying what’s in the blackboard even if sometimes, I don’t understand the sense of what I’m copying, years and years of listening to Algebra/Geometry/Calculus/Statistics discussions which feels like watching a Korean movie without the subtitles.
But it is my last year in High school! Hooray! No more extravagant school activities that churn my mind and empty my wallet. But wait, I don’t really know if I had to celebrate or condemn my happiness. My emotions are as mixed as Ate Inday’s best selling halo-halo. I’m happy that finally I can escape and walk out from High school but at the same time scared, because I don’t know what’s in store for me during my college days.
Despite the negativities in High school, fun is much experienced. I will probably miss High school. I will probably miss how easy it is to lure your teacher just to re-schedule the date of the deadline or perhaps the date of an examination, I will probably miss the colorful and welcoming environment of our school, I will probably miss the feeling of being competitive in every decorate-your-classroom-with-super-bongga-decorations contests, I will probably miss the Buwan ng Wika, Nutrition Month, English Fest, Science Month, Math Olympics and other school activities that somehow cause the delay of our classes. I will probably miss the smiling faces of teachers that I came across the hallway, pathway, subway, and high way. I will probably miss the dilemma of choosing canteens every recess and lunch breaks. Who would ever forget the classroom dramas among classmates and friends that bring epic moments and memories that you will never ever forget? Sure thing, I will probably miss cleaning classrooms and escaping my leader during cleaning time. I will probably miss the bizarre requirements in school, from a kilo of soil to a piece of indigenous material. High school is really fun and hell of an experience.
It’s a sad-happy experience. They say that your high school friends or buddies know you more than your colleagues. Why? Because it is in high school where you discover who you really are. It is in high school where you adapt to so many changes in different aspects of your life. It is in high school where you learn to grow and be mature. It is in high school where you experienced your first heartbreak. It is in high school where you met your true friends.
Now that I’m on the last year of high school, I don’t really know what will happen next. I look forward to it but at the same time scared. Scared to leave my comfort zone, which is High school.
I tried looking at my hands in hopes to discover something more about my future. I looked and looked and asked myself in the end if I was even supposed to know. The lines are clear, they are right there. I could trace them with my own fingers and follow every old and new line, not sure which one I will take or what they even mean. Maybe it is better not to know. What if I had the answer? Would my future change based on knowing what will happen?
I have learned that if you are down, stay down. Don’t get back on your fucking feet until you are prepared to stand. Don’t get up until you have learned why you fell. Nine times out of ten, it is because you were weighing down on someone who could no longer hold you. You gave someone your power. You forgot about yourself. Let me tell you something - there is one person there for you. One person. It’s the same person that wipes your shit and feeds you and cleans up your vomit after a drunken night. It’s the same person who brushes your teeth and tends to your wounds and gets your crying ass out of the shower. The same one that tucks you into bed and cradles you in the night and fights off the darkness and embraces the light. It’s you. It’s always been you. Don’t get off that fucking ground because you see somebody you know or somebody you want to know, or - somebody you can rely on. Wipe your fucking face and get up for you. Because you can. Because it’s the least of what you owe yourself.